Intention (2024)

I've carved out the raw parts of myself

To mull with cloves, orange, and honey. 

A simmer pot full of good intentions

Stirred with the time and care I've denied myself 

For far too many seasons.

The sourness of citrus is a stinging reminder 

That I'm still here and will continue to be;

A stubborn refusal to disappear with the bang of a gavel 

Or the silent denial of self.

The spice of clove and cinnamon is my silent prayer to past me,

My devotion both not-enough and too-late,

but a penance I need to serve Them regardless.

The soft sweetness of honey 

Is an offering to the future I've closed myself off to;

A world where I am both deserving and accepting of the love 

I so freely give to everyone else. 

I carry this concoction around my home 

Wafting it to the rafters

Filling this space with just a whisper of the life

I know I can create

If only I'd reach out and take a sip.

Liminal (2024)

Liminal

You, my love, 

Are the last ray of sunlight before the 

void of night consumes my very being. 

Entropy has nothing on me, 

all formless and creeping ever closer 

to a limitless state of chaos.

There's an aura of peace when you're around

As comforting and right as the sugar in my tea.

You're the best bits of humanity wrapped up in 

Flannel and cashmere. 

I'm trying to be better for you.

For that version of me only you can see,

On warm nights and cold days;

The St. Elmo's Fire covering who I am, 

Reaching for who I can be

Who I will be.

When I am in my liminal state,

A cyclical shifting between 

What is, what was, and what has never been; 

Liquifying and writhing against every blessing in this world you keep reminding me I am deserving of; 

It's you that guides me back to this plane

A celestial lighthouse in 

The Sea of Dissociation and Hypotheticals.

Your tears are falling stars, 

A beautiful heat death of societal avoidance

A refusal to hide the parts we don't want to see,

Burning bright against convention and fear. 

Touching you reminds me I exist.

Seeing you smile reminds me of 

Life and loving and sunrise.

Knowing you reminds me I too, can be known

And if I can be known, 

Then maybe,

I too, 

Can be loved.

Stray Cats (2024)

Stray Cats

Affection and I have a strained relationship.

We pass one another on the street often,

Some days we headbutt and curl our tails together,

Contented purrs abound.

Others I puff up and spit,

Blood and froth flowing between my teeth,

An animalistic urge to resist 

What is given freely 

For fear of hidden spring traps and clipped ears.

Being known,

Being seen,

Being understood wasn't always

This balancing act of tricking 

Myself into accepting that which 

Others give so easily

So willingly

For them, it's as easy as breathing,

Loving me. 

Showing me they want me around

That my presence is not only tolerated

But desired

Despite my protestations I am simply the biggest inconvenience 

To everyone I have ever met.

And I know, 

Somewhere beneath the deflecting swats and puffed up tail,

That I deserve every moment of softness.

Every tender caress and 

"I want you to be here"

Every "let me care for you"

Every "you're a treat to be around"

Should hold me fast with the same

Calloused hands I run away from when 

I'm choking on insecurity.

I thrash and claw,

Gnashing my teeth and denying it all

Because it's easier to be feared,

To be enigmatic and unreachable,

Than to be held in melee range, waiting

For the dagger to sheath and unsheath 

Between my fourth and fifth rib.