Affection and I have a strained relationship.
We pass one another on the street often,
Some days we headbutt and curl our tails together,
Contented purrs abound.
Others I puff up and spit,
Blood and froth flowing between my teeth,
An animalistic urge to resist
What is given freely
For fear of hidden spring traps and clipped ears.
Being known,
Being seen,
Being understood wasn't always
This balancing act of tricking
Myself into accepting that which
Others give so easily
So willingly
For them, it's as easy as breathing,
Loving me.
Showing me they want me around
That my presence is not only tolerated
But desired
Despite my protestations I am simply the biggest inconvenience
To everyone I have ever met.
And I know,
Somewhere beneath the deflecting swats and puffed up tail,
That I deserve every moment of softness.
Every tender caress and
"I want you to be here"
Every "let me care for you"
Every "you're a treat to be around"
Should hold me fast with the same
Calloused hands I run away from when
I'm choking on insecurity.
I thrash and claw,
Gnashing my teeth and denying it all
Because it's easier to be feared,
To be enigmatic and unreachable,
Than to be held in melee range, waiting
For the dagger to sheath and unsheath
Between my fourth and fifth rib.
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